Warning: you may want to skip this one, or at least get your kleenex out.You don't have to read it, but I really needed to write it to have for our story.
Yesterday
afternoon I took Murphy to see the vet, hoping against hope for
something, ANYthing to help my Murphy baby. She looked at him standing
there in his new lopsided way. They weighed him and he was down another
5kg from the fall. She asked me how old he was. She asked how long he'd
been refusing food. She asked me what his quality of life was like
lately. There were no good answers to give and she had delicately,
gently and softly led me to the conclusion that was obvious to her, the
one I did NOT want to see. So I did what I do best of all. I cried.
I
couldn't deny the situation any longer. I had to decide to let him go.
To decide that I would never walk into a room and be greeted by that
head rising, those warm eyes reaching mine and that enthusiastic tail
beating the crap out of everything in reach. I had to decide. but I
didn't want to
"choose" THAT!!!! Who wants to give up that kind of adoration and love????
She
also told me that he was getting dehydrated and was probably quite
uncomfortable and would become even more so over the next few days. Well I didn't want that either. I asked if they'd be able to look
after him that day if we decided to go that route. She said they would
make it work and fit us in. Crap. I had told the girls before I left
that nothing would be happening that day. I asked what time they had an
appointment available and if I should come back later. She said they
didn't really have any appointments and would just make it work and get
him in whenever Murray could get there.
I phoned Murray
to see what he wanted to do. He agreed that Murphy deserved to be free
of pain and not to suffer any more and would bring the girls to say
goodbye. I sat on the floor with Murphy in my lap, holding him and
stroking those soft silky ears, kiss his head and praying for strength.
This interlude took roughly half an hour and at least half a box of
Puffs tissues. The vet & tech each popped in to check on us
while we waited.
Finally I saw the van pull in. I heard
the wailing as soon as they opened their doors. They weren't holding
back, that's for sure and I couldn't blame them. They came traipsing
down the hall, wet little faces, eyes already red rimmed and loudly
declaring their love for Murphy. The vet left us alone but with the thin
walls, I'm sure they could hear every tear and promise to never forget,
to always love & miss him. We huddled around our boy and cried
and hurt there together for awhile.
The girls were
worried about what would happen so I explained that they'd just give
Murphy a needle and that he'd quickly go to sleep and not hurt anymore.
Then what? they wanted to know. I didn't want to get into specifics but
my inquisitive little girls demanded to know exactly what was going to
be done with Murphy afterwards. I tried telling them that they vet would
take care of Murphy. HOW? What will they do with him? Do they bury
him???? Murray explained that he would be cremated. A new wave of
panicked, shrieking outrage crashed down on us as they put their feet
down and protested their little hearts out. "Noooooo!!!! I don't want
them to burn him!!!!!" and cried and yelled until Murray said we could
bring him home with us and bury him ourselves.
Murray
went out and changed the arrangements and paid our bill so we would be
able to leave immediately. I have never been so NOT ready for a moment
in my entire life. We proceeded anyway because we were never going to be
"OK" with it, no matter how many minutes they gave us. Honey &
Sweetie didn't want to stay in the room so Murray took them out to the
waiting area. I couldn't leave him alone with strangers and wanted him
to have a familiar loving face with him for the end. I stayed and Lovey
couldn't be pried out either. I cradled his head in my lap and patted
him and talked to him. Lovey hugged his back and assured him she would
never forget him and would always love him. As they prepped him for the
needle she started to sob very hard. I could tell because I could hear
her over my own so it had to be pretty powerful. The tech asked if she
wanted to go with her sisters and she insisted emphatically that she
wanted to stay with him.
They put the IV in and within
seconds he slackened and was gone. He still felt so soft, warm and real.
It didn't feel like he could really be gone so fast. How could someone
that cherished be here one moment and then completely gone the
next????? It was a relief to know he was at peace and that nothing hurt
him anymore but the pain immediately took up residence in all our
hearts. I instantly regretted not getting one last Murphy kiss with that rough tongue ripping across my cheek. I wish I could have one more of those and am mad that I forgot.
The others came back in the room and the crying
intensified, interspersed with loudly proclaimed "I LOVE YOU MURPHY!"
and wails of "my heart has a hole in it!" "why did he have to die?????"
"I miss him already!" "I'll never forget you Murphy NEVER!!!!!" and
"best dog EVER" might have been mentioned a few times. Sweetie looked at
me and said "I don't ever want to get another dog Mummy!" I nodded and
said "because this hurts too much huh?" and more tears fell and I hugged her close. Honey stated that she was never going to be
able to be happy or smile ever again. Lovey just sobbed and sobbed and
couldn't get out much that was intelligible but I think there might have
been something about no more joy in her life ever.
After
a few minutes we realized we weren't going to settle down any time
soon. Murray gathered our boy up in his arms and started out. The rest
of us hung our heads and sobbed and cried our way out the door past the
other patients in the waiting area. They had given us some of his fur to
save but I forgot to get the baggie they had offered me. I went back in
to ask for it and found everyone in the waiting room with tears running
down their faces. Are we powerful or what? That's some good crying when
you can take down perfect strangers with you!
Since
we'd ended up with both vehicles there, Murray asked if I wanted to
drive with the girls or if I wanted him to take them. He warned me that
they'd been very teary and vocal the entire way to the vet and that he
expected the same for the return trip. Knowing my girls, I expected no
less and since I'm pretty sure t hey inherited 100% of their overly
dramatic, emotionally charged grieving capacity from me, I felt it was
only fair to shoulder this part of the blow.
Murphy was
in the Subaru and they'd all moved their booster seats over so they
could travel with him. Since we got the van in July, they have never
ONCE opted to drive in the station wagon. I climbed into the Subaru and
followed Murray home. It was terrible weather. Snow and ice were flying
as we slowly made our way. The van had trouble getting up one of the
streets. I thought I was going to have to push him but then he made the
final section. The girls fully met all my expectations. Tears were
constant, declarations of undying love flew, the pain was too much to
imagine going through ever again. The one that surprised me was the
vehement anger towards Adam & Eve. Yep, those two took the brunt
of it. If only they hadn't eaten that apple, nobody would EVER have to
die. and they scornfully wanted to know "who listens to a
talking snake
anyway??????" Even in my saddest moments, those girls can put a smile
on my face. They couldn't understand HOW I could be smiling at a time
like this!!!!
We finally got home and got Murphy into
the garage and went inside to get dressed for grave digging. We decided
on a spot in the woods since he liked to lay under the trees whenever he
was outdoors. The ground was frozen solid of course. All that mild
weather this winter and we had to do this during the one week of
freezing temperatures??? We started a small fire inside a barrel to try
and thaw the ground and Murray, God bless him, chipped and poked and
prodded that earth until he broke through to softer ground. We gathered
brush and sticks to keep the fire going and after an hour or so we took a
break for supper.
Lovey was rather disgusted. She had
been requesting chicken burgers for ages and that night we were finally
going to have them and now there was no way she could enjoy them! Murray
went right back out to continue digging. We went out for awhile but the
girls got cold so I brought them in and put their movie on and went
back out with Murray to keep the fire going. It wasn't doing much but at
least it gave light and some warmth. Digging in the dark and the cold
rainy sleet is pretty sad work.
Eventually the movie
finished and they put on their pj's, brushed their teeth and cleaned up
their Barbie blitz in the living room while they waited for us to come
in. They cried some more but fell asleep quickly and I went back out
with Murray for awhile. I packed it up and went in, in case the girls
woke up. I was pretty exhausted myself but couldn't go to bed while he
was still out there battling it out. It was after 11pm by the time he'd
carved out a large enough space. He was covered in mud, exhausted
mentally, physically and even emotionally I think. We went to bed but he
couldn't sleep. I conked out til 4 or so and then was awake enough to
remember the Murphy-less state of affairs we were now in and I couldn't
hold back the tears so it was a good thing he wasn't really sleeping. I
eventually cried myself back to sleep for a couple of hours and then it
was time to get Lovey up for her group violin rehearsal. It was their
first one and is for an upcoming competition so we thought she should
try to go. She said she was fine and got ready without any difficulty.
It was only a 30 minute session and she did fine. While she &
Murray were preparing to leave, the other 2 got up and crawled into bed
with me for a cuddle and cry session. We talked about funny Murphy
memories and that felt good but did feel sad too.
Once
Lovey was back from violin it was time for the funeral. Murray went out
ahead to get Murphy settled into his resting place and then came in with
tears & nose running, to get us. I don't even want to know what
he had to do to get Murphy through the small opening. It obviously
hadn't been easy on him.
We looked and looked all over
to find his favourite toy, the water Kong but we couldn't find it
anywhere. Instead we found a different Kong and everyone threw in a
Snausage for him and then Murray started filling it in. For some reason,
this was the part I couldn't bear to witness. The girls and I
set off to hunt down some rocks to put on top of the earth and I stalled
until I was sure I wouldn't be able to see Murphy lying there anymore.
We helped tamp down the earth and then Sweetie asked if she could pray
for Murphy and she led us in a beautiful, heartfelt and loving prayer.
She asked God to make a place for Murphy, to help him find a friend to
play with and to be happy there (we suggested that God lead him to
Monty, his best friend when they were puppies together, the girls
thought that was a good idea), to let Murphy know we would always love
him and remember him and she had some other words but I can't remember
them now. It was lovely and sweet though.
The rest of
today was very low key, we watched lots of tv, very slack on rules and
eating requirements. Murray shoveled out the snowy driveway then he
& Lovey made applesauce. I watched an online photography
workshop and tried to stay awake. While we made supper, Lovey went on a
cleaning binge and reorganized the pantry, cleaned the bathroom counter
and washed all the windows and mirrors she could reach. Every once in
awhile the girls would wander over and say simply "it hurts. I still
miss him" which would of course set off a fresh round of tears and hugs.
As
I walk around the house, everything makes me think of Murphy of course.
Every time I go downstairs, I keep expecting him to be on the couch, to
raise his head when I walk in, to thump his tail in greeting and start
to quiver with excitement while he waits for me to come pat him. I think
I hear his collar jingle or hear him shift around on the couch as I sit
here at the computer. Throughout the day we've found things and started
gathering and putting away dishes, his treats etc. It's so hard to
accept that such an important part of our family, who was JUST here, can
really be gone forever. His presence stills seems so vivid!!! He can't
really
be gone forever surely???? I want to scream "bring my Murphy baby
back!!!!!" but it wouldn't do any good and I don't want to confirm all
those sneaking suspicions out there than I'm a raving lunatic.
The
girls were all tired out early tonight and Murray was exhausted as well
and went to bed right after they did. I'm tired too but can't seem to
settle down yet. I have to get this all down first I guess and get it
out of my head. Maybe that will make tomorrow a little easier.
We've
gotten lots of nice messages and calls from others who loved Murphy like we did
and lots from those who never even had the privilege of getting licked
by that ridiculously long tongue and we're thankful for all the notes
and greetings. It's hard to talk right now so sometimes I don't answer the phone or pass off to Murray when I start to lose it.
and it just wouldn't right not to have a few more pictures would it????? These are some of my all time pictures of my Murphy baby, my best Christmas present ever.
oh those little teeth! so sharp and quick!
always a snappy dresser!
Daddy's little helper!
We hope he's back to partying with his good buddy Monty!
Always our handsome boy!
The beach, aka The Happiest Place on Earth
He'd follow you anywhere for that waterkong!
Who are these little people???
Murphy's last Christmas
Our very last picture with him :(
We love you Murphy and we will never ever ever forget you.
