Yesterday afternoon I took Murphy to see the vet, hoping against hope for something, ANYthing to help my Murphy baby. She looked at him standing there in his new lopsided way. They weighed him and he was down another 5kg from the fall. She asked me how old he was. She asked how long he'd been refusing food. She asked me what his quality of life was like lately. There were no good answers to give and she had delicately, gently and softly led me to the conclusion that was obvious to her, the one I did NOT want to see. So I did what I do best of all. I cried.
I couldn't deny the situation any longer. I had to decide to let him go. To decide that I would never walk into a room and be greeted by that head rising, those warm eyes reaching mine and that enthusiastic tail beating the crap out of everything in reach. I had to decide. but I didn't want to "choose" THAT!!!! Who wants to give up that kind of adoration and love????
She also told me that he was getting dehydrated and was probably quite uncomfortable and would become even more so over the next few days. Well I didn't want that either. I asked if they'd be able to look after him that day if we decided to go that route. She said they would make it work and fit us in. Crap. I had told the girls before I left that nothing would be happening that day. I asked what time they had an appointment available and if I should come back later. She said they didn't really have any appointments and would just make it work and get him in whenever Murray could get there.
I phoned Murray to see what he wanted to do. He agreed that Murphy deserved to be free of pain and not to suffer any more and would bring the girls to say goodbye. I sat on the floor with Murphy in my lap, holding him and stroking those soft silky ears, kiss his head and praying for strength. This interlude took roughly half an hour and at least half a box of Puffs tissues. The vet & tech each popped in to check on us while we waited.
Finally I saw the van pull in. I heard the wailing as soon as they opened their doors. They weren't holding back, that's for sure and I couldn't blame them. They came traipsing down the hall, wet little faces, eyes already red rimmed and loudly declaring their love for Murphy. The vet left us alone but with the thin walls, I'm sure they could hear every tear and promise to never forget, to always love & miss him. We huddled around our boy and cried and hurt there together for awhile.
The girls were worried about what would happen so I explained that they'd just give Murphy a needle and that he'd quickly go to sleep and not hurt anymore. Then what? they wanted to know. I didn't want to get into specifics but my inquisitive little girls demanded to know exactly what was going to be done with Murphy afterwards. I tried telling them that they vet would take care of Murphy. HOW? What will they do with him? Do they bury him???? Murray explained that he would be cremated. A new wave of panicked, shrieking outrage crashed down on us as they put their feet down and protested their little hearts out. "Noooooo!!!! I don't want them to burn him!!!!!" and cried and yelled until Murray said we could bring him home with us and bury him ourselves.
Murray went out and changed the arrangements and paid our bill so we would be able to leave immediately. I have never been so NOT ready for a moment in my entire life. We proceeded anyway because we were never going to be "OK" with it, no matter how many minutes they gave us. Honey & Sweetie didn't want to stay in the room so Murray took them out to the waiting area. I couldn't leave him alone with strangers and wanted him to have a familiar loving face with him for the end. I stayed and Lovey couldn't be pried out either. I cradled his head in my lap and patted him and talked to him. Lovey hugged his back and assured him she would never forget him and would always love him. As they prepped him for the needle she started to sob very hard. I could tell because I could hear her over my own so it had to be pretty powerful. The tech asked if she wanted to go with her sisters and she insisted emphatically that she wanted to stay with him.
They put the IV in and within seconds he slackened and was gone. He still felt so soft, warm and real. It didn't feel like he could really be gone so fast. How could someone that cherished be here one moment and then completely gone the next????? It was a relief to know he was at peace and that nothing hurt him anymore but the pain immediately took up residence in all our hearts. I instantly regretted not getting one last Murphy kiss with that rough tongue ripping across my cheek. I wish I could have one more of those and am mad that I forgot.
The others came back in the room and the crying intensified, interspersed with loudly proclaimed "I LOVE YOU MURPHY!" and wails of "my heart has a hole in it!" "why did he have to die?????" "I miss him already!" "I'll never forget you Murphy NEVER!!!!!" and "best dog EVER" might have been mentioned a few times. Sweetie looked at me and said "I don't ever want to get another dog Mummy!" I nodded and said "because this hurts too much huh?" and more tears fell and I hugged her close. Honey stated that she was never going to be able to be happy or smile ever again. Lovey just sobbed and sobbed and couldn't get out much that was intelligible but I think there might have been something about no more joy in her life ever.
After a few minutes we realized we weren't going to settle down any time soon. Murray gathered our boy up in his arms and started out. The rest of us hung our heads and sobbed and cried our way out the door past the other patients in the waiting area. They had given us some of his fur to save but I forgot to get the baggie they had offered me. I went back in to ask for it and found everyone in the waiting room with tears running down their faces. Are we powerful or what? That's some good crying when you can take down perfect strangers with you!
Since we'd ended up with both vehicles there, Murray asked if I wanted to drive with the girls or if I wanted him to take them. He warned me that they'd been very teary and vocal the entire way to the vet and that he expected the same for the return trip. Knowing my girls, I expected no less and since I'm pretty sure t hey inherited 100% of their overly dramatic, emotionally charged grieving capacity from me, I felt it was only fair to shoulder this part of the blow.
Murphy was in the Subaru and they'd all moved their booster seats over so they could travel with him. Since we got the van in July, they have never ONCE opted to drive in the station wagon. I climbed into the Subaru and followed Murray home. It was terrible weather. Snow and ice were flying as we slowly made our way. The van had trouble getting up one of the streets. I thought I was going to have to push him but then he made the final section. The girls fully met all my expectations. Tears were constant, declarations of undying love flew, the pain was too much to imagine going through ever again. The one that surprised me was the vehement anger towards Adam & Eve. Yep, those two took the brunt of it. If only they hadn't eaten that apple, nobody would EVER have to die. and they scornfully wanted to know "who listens to a talking snake anyway??????" Even in my saddest moments, those girls can put a smile on my face. They couldn't understand HOW I could be smiling at a time like this!!!!
We finally got home and got Murphy into the garage and went inside to get dressed for grave digging. We decided on a spot in the woods since he liked to lay under the trees whenever he was outdoors. The ground was frozen solid of course. All that mild weather this winter and we had to do this during the one week of freezing temperatures??? We started a small fire inside a barrel to try and thaw the ground and Murray, God bless him, chipped and poked and prodded that earth until he broke through to softer ground. We gathered brush and sticks to keep the fire going and after an hour or so we took a break for supper.
Lovey was rather disgusted. She had been requesting chicken burgers for ages and that night we were finally going to have them and now there was no way she could enjoy them! Murray went right back out to continue digging. We went out for awhile but the girls got cold so I brought them in and put their movie on and went back out with Murray to keep the fire going. It wasn't doing much but at least it gave light and some warmth. Digging in the dark and the cold rainy sleet is pretty sad work.
Eventually the movie finished and they put on their pj's, brushed their teeth and cleaned up their Barbie blitz in the living room while they waited for us to come in. They cried some more but fell asleep quickly and I went back out with Murray for awhile. I packed it up and went in, in case the girls woke up. I was pretty exhausted myself but couldn't go to bed while he was still out there battling it out. It was after 11pm by the time he'd carved out a large enough space. He was covered in mud, exhausted mentally, physically and even emotionally I think. We went to bed but he couldn't sleep. I conked out til 4 or so and then was awake enough to remember the Murphy-less state of affairs we were now in and I couldn't hold back the tears so it was a good thing he wasn't really sleeping. I eventually cried myself back to sleep for a couple of hours and then it was time to get Lovey up for her group violin rehearsal. It was their first one and is for an upcoming competition so we thought she should try to go. She said she was fine and got ready without any difficulty. It was only a 30 minute session and she did fine. While she & Murray were preparing to leave, the other 2 got up and crawled into bed with me for a cuddle and cry session. We talked about funny Murphy memories and that felt good but did feel sad too.
Once Lovey was back from violin it was time for the funeral. Murray went out ahead to get Murphy settled into his resting place and then came in with tears & nose running, to get us. I don't even want to know what he had to do to get Murphy through the small opening. It obviously hadn't been easy on him.
We looked and looked all over to find his favourite toy, the water Kong but we couldn't find it anywhere. Instead we found a different Kong and everyone threw in a Snausage for him and then Murray started filling it in. For some reason, this was the part I couldn't bear to witness. The girls and I set off to hunt down some rocks to put on top of the earth and I stalled until I was sure I wouldn't be able to see Murphy lying there anymore. We helped tamp down the earth and then Sweetie asked if she could pray for Murphy and she led us in a beautiful, heartfelt and loving prayer. She asked God to make a place for Murphy, to help him find a friend to play with and to be happy there (we suggested that God lead him to Monty, his best friend when they were puppies together, the girls thought that was a good idea), to let Murphy know we would always love him and remember him and she had some other words but I can't remember them now. It was lovely and sweet though.
The rest of today was very low key, we watched lots of tv, very slack on rules and eating requirements. Murray shoveled out the snowy driveway then he & Lovey made applesauce. I watched an online photography workshop and tried to stay awake. While we made supper, Lovey went on a cleaning binge and reorganized the pantry, cleaned the bathroom counter and washed all the windows and mirrors she could reach. Every once in awhile the girls would wander over and say simply "it hurts. I still miss him" which would of course set off a fresh round of tears and hugs.
As I walk around the house, everything makes me think of Murphy of course. Every time I go downstairs, I keep expecting him to be on the couch, to raise his head when I walk in, to thump his tail in greeting and start to quiver with excitement while he waits for me to come pat him. I think I hear his collar jingle or hear him shift around on the couch as I sit here at the computer. Throughout the day we've found things and started gathering and putting away dishes, his treats etc. It's so hard to accept that such an important part of our family, who was JUST here, can really be gone forever. His presence stills seems so vivid!!! He can't really be gone forever surely???? I want to scream "bring my Murphy baby back!!!!!" but it wouldn't do any good and I don't want to confirm all those sneaking suspicions out there than I'm a raving lunatic.
The girls were all tired out early tonight and Murray was exhausted as well and went to bed right after they did. I'm tired too but can't seem to settle down yet. I have to get this all down first I guess and get it out of my head. Maybe that will make tomorrow a little easier.
We've gotten lots of nice messages and calls from others who loved Murphy like we did and lots from those who never even had the privilege of getting licked by that ridiculously long tongue and we're thankful for all the notes and greetings. It's hard to talk right now so sometimes I don't answer the phone or pass off to Murray when I start to lose it.
and it just wouldn't right not to have a few more pictures would it????? These are some of my all time pictures of my Murphy baby, my best Christmas present ever.
oh those little teeth! so sharp and quick!
always a snappy dresser!
Daddy's little helper!
We hope he's back to partying with his good buddy Monty!
Always our handsome boy!
The beach, aka The Happiest Place on Earth
He'd follow you anywhere for that waterkong!
Who are these little people???
Murphy's last Christmas
Our very last picture with him :(
We love you Murphy and we will never ever ever forget you.
2 comments:
Your father & I will always remember Murphy & miss him too!He hardly missed any Sunday dinners. You gave Murphy a good life,you took him everywhere you went & he had so much fun.I'm sure he thanked his lucky stars that he had you too.Even when the girls were born you two made time for Murphy,& Murray continued to go running & for walks with him no matter how late at nite it was.I know I was there that first year & Murphy was never left out,he even got to go to work with Murray quite often & apparently they spoiled him there too--go figure!Murphy had a great life & he was one lucky dog to have the family he had! He will surely be missed!Rest in Peace Murph!
What a difficult post this must have been to write. You honored Murphy throughout his life by your actions and love. He was a great dog, belonged and remembered by a great family. Now pass the kleenex!!!
xoxoxox Teena
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