A BIG complaint amongst adult multiples is that they were never treated as individuals growing up. Last June, I arranged for a few grown up twins, along with some parents of adult multiples to participate in a panel and we asked them all sorts of questions. Almost everyone said that for the most part, the kids were always just "the twins" and it bothered them that most people never bothered to learn their name or address them by it! One of my triplet mom friends recently wrote the following & I thought she'd done a great job of explaining it, better than I ever could and thought I'd share! I don't know if we'll be able to do everything she is planning but it sounds worthwhile. I'd love for them to each have their own room but I don't think they're ready to have control of the entire upper floor just yet!
Speaking of individuality, I would like to add a serious note here. Bill and I have read a lot on raising multiples and, thanks to our wonderful local Mothers Of Triplets and More club, we have a vast amount of resources and experiences to learn from. We are doing everything we possilby can to nuture A, B and C's sense of individuality. It is very important among families with multiples to make sure this is a priority. It instills a sense of importance and self worth in the children. By default they have to share many important things (birthdays, first days of school, most outings and visits, etc). Sometimes as a mother this breaks my heart. Our goals for this year are to make sure each child has her own space - that will be her desk area and her own toy bin upstairs when we finish their bedroom and playroom - and to find a way for at least one of us to regularly spend one on one time with each of them.
There are a few things we are asking our friends and family to do to help us make sure that A, B and C all know that they are special individually. I think the single most important thing is to NOT refer to them as "the triplets" in their presence. I know it is an easy habit to fall into. I strive to refer to them by their names and speak of them as single children when I can. The only time I call them triplets is when they are NOT with me and someone asks me if I have any children. It's just easier to say "yes, I have 2 year old triplets" than answer 3 or 4 different questions.
"Another issue that multiples face is being compared to each other - I know I'm guilty of it. At each milestone of their lives (stemming all the way back to their births) I have had to check myself. One child walked sooner, was more of a talker, ate better, etc. As we are in the toddlers years now I often catch myself thinking things like "well, why don't timeouts work for A when they work so well for B?" and comparing other characteristics. Believe me, I know it's hard not to do. What is really difficult for me is answering questions about their personalities in front of them. Most of the time the answers tend to place an unintentional label on that child. I often get asked if one child is the "shy one" or the "naughty one". It really depends on the situation. Anyone who has children would understand that they don't react the same way in every situation and that they are forever changing and growing. I would never want one of my children to hear me call her shy, naughty, wild, or any other not entirely positive adjective and I would never want them to compare THEMSELVES to each other. "
I know if you are reading this then you know and love our little girls - A, B and C and want them to grow up to be confident and secure individuals. I have included links to a couple websites that discuss this matter a little further.
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